Gratituesday: The Fox

Gratituesday is back!

Yesterday my kids showed me the video for one of the most hilarious songs I have heard lately.

I told Steve last night that I am so thankful for silly songs, rather than the twerking cr@P that has been all over the radio lately. The world is such a scary place to raise daughters.

Well, scary place in general.

So, instead of licking hammers and dancing around naked with fully clothed men,

I am grateful for

"WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY?"

Gratituesday: Momma got a message

I am so excited I can barely stand it. 

Someone gave me advice over a year ago to be open to new things. 

That is not a common feeling of mine. I tend to be wary of things. Some call it controlling, I call it cautious. I married the opposite of cautious and it has been a grand adventure.

 

 

But I digress. 

In my effort to be open to new things, I have started saying "YES". Yes to volunteering for a fundraising event. Yes to my daughter's request we try a new church. Yes, to a new hair color that I have toyed with for months. Yes to new friends and being "friends"  on Facebook with people. 

Yes, to a new job opportunity.

 

Yes, yes, yes. 

I saw a Facebook post by a mother of friend of Ellie's whom I have gotten to know a little from dropping Ellie off at their house and sitting and watching her daughter and mine play lacrosse.  She is a friend of a friend, an acquaintance. 

The post was really a help wanted ad looking for an administrative assistant for a business she was starting with her partner.

I contacted her immediately without even thinking about it. After we spoke on the phone, I arranged to meet with them both. Their enthusiasm was contagious.

Long story short, I have been working a few hours here and there and start next Wednesday. 

Open and YES! have led me to a new job, one that uses my skills. One that I am excited about. 

One that I am really looking forward to starting.

I cannot thank said advice giver. She has brought more into my life than I could have ever thought possible. The lesson I take away is this " God puts people in your life for a reason. He speaks through them, uses their skills for His purpose and blesses them for being open. All we have to do is be open as well to hear His message for us. " 

 

I am so grateful for Sunshine Girl and her "be open message", for my new bosses and their enthusiasm and for my husband, the original adventurer in my life.

Dirt: Friday, Summer and Gratitude

How did another week go by? 

Is it really less than 30 days (25) until the girls go back to school?

I had lunch today with three of my best girls and we talked about how with swimming, summer begins the day after City Meet. Meaning, for us, summer started July 15th.

Crazy. 

 

 

This sight is the signal for "Summer's here"!

But, I fully intend to maximize the rest of my summer.

I plan on taking my girls to the pool, going to a drive-in movie, eating tomatoes (hopefully they are in) and living a little less harried.

I have slipped on my blogging and especially my Gratituesday posts. The thoughts are always going through my mind, just not making it onto paper (so to speak).

I am eternally grateful for several things that are really  not things.

God's love, which He reminds me in interesting ways is always there (Hello, Aunt Margaret), Summer and the health and physical ability of my children and husband. 

We run because we can. We swim because we can.

Summer is the time to revel in being strong and healthy.

 

As I start the weekend full of fun and catching up (chores) on the home front, I can't help but lift up a prayer of thanksgiving for these things.

 

 

Gratituesday: My parents bought the farm

My parents recently bought an 80 acre farm an hours drive from me.

This means several things. One, my parents are nearby now and I can see them pretty much whenever I want. Something that is pretty significant as they have been "on the road" for 5 years and I usually saw them maybe twice a year. Second, it means my kids are around them more. Which they need and also really love.

Third, they have a FARM! Where I love being.

Gratituesday: For my girls

I am so thankful that I had grandmothers. They are the reason I am me. The goofy me that embraces acting the fool. The friendly me that will talk to people and look on the bright side.  The me that encourages my own daughters to be goofy and tolerant, true to themselves and to have manners. 

Gratituesday:Confessions of a lousy gardener

So, my  home girl Meg blogged an email that I sent her.

Whoa. 

That makes a girl want to be responsible for what she writes. 

I mean, I tell my kids all the time to be careful what they text, Facebook, email because it can be altered and shared. 

Luckily for me, Meg is a good egg and I was on my best behavior.

 

So, today I am grateful for two things.

 

#1 Best Behavior 

 

 

I am a pretty simple girl. What you see is what you get, warts and all. I have a little bit of a filter, but not really much of one. I hate fake and I loathe having to act that way. Small talk, I am not that great. Telling  a funny story about how I made a fool of myself at the gym, that I have mastered. I give advice freely. I hate being told what to do and rarely listen if I feel you are trying to boss me around. I swear, I snort and am prone to interrupting.  I am judgmental and sometimes crass.

However, when I like you, admire you  or better yet adore you...I am true blue. 

Meg, I think the world of...she is funny, nice, a good friend to her friends and a little bit like me,

 I think. Smallish of filter.I am glad that she liked my advice, and even better that I didn't say anything embarrassing when I replied to her compliment and offer to help MY daughter decorate her room. I get where she comes from all too well, and knew that the offer was sent with love and not with territorial infringement.

 I replied on my best behavior.

 

 

 

#2 Friends

 

 

 

I have not taken very good care of my friend garden for the last few years. I have the same lame excuse that all parents use, I have been busy.  Lame. I also have been a little bit snotty and snappish to two of my truest and most loved friends. Horrible. 

Meg sent me a very sweet email about something else she read on my blog and at the very end of it said " I'd like to hang out with you more." Sock in the gut. 

A hand being offered when I myself have been a terrible friend. I told her God uses her to speak to me fairly often and I hope it did not freak her out. However, it is true. Little niggling reminders of how I should be acting come in various ways, some via Meg and her blog. 

So, I am thankful for all of my friends, especially the ones who offer to hang out with me after years of being a neglectful gardener. 

 

PS. Meg gets EXTRA points with me because she thinks my kids are cool. They are my garden I have been tending.

Gratituesday: All of it

There are so many things about this video that gets me going.

The song is a song from my childhood. I went to several tent revivals as a child. Yep, old school tent revivals with a tent, paper fans and preachers yelling and preachin'. 

This song is also a "New Orleans" song. I love New Orleans like a second home. I honeymooned there, took my kids to Mardi Gras, have been to Jazzfest a few times and just have a love for it I cannot express with words. 

And, these bands are some of my very favorites. I have seen all but one of them and hopefully will see Edward Sharpe this year. The music that they play charge my batteries for days and days after I have seen them live and pump me up when I listen on my iPod. 

So, today, on a gloomy winter's day, I am grateful for all of it.

Gratituesday: Following shoes

I love shoes. 

My parents called me Imelda in high school. I not only worked in the shoe department of a local department store, but I also spent a lot of my hard earned money on buying more shoes. At one point, I had over 100 pairs. 

I am not quite so gluttonous now. I have about 15 pairs of shoes, but wear only a few regularly. Running shoes, my beloved cowboy boots, a pair of Converse  my nephew bought me for Christmas, and my Rainbow flip flops which also double as my slippers are heavy in the rotation. I have a pair of black flats that I have literally almost worn out and am on the search for a pair as comfy to replace them. The rest are random shoes I wear often enough to warrant keeping, but not often enough to make the pile at the bottom of my closet.

For Christmas, I received two pairs of super cool Toms. One is more of a winter Tom and the other all season. I have worn them both once and foresee once shorts season is here, the all season  with be in high rotation with  my Rainbows.  I feel pretty cool thinking that somewhere, two people have a pair of shoes thanks to my Christmas wish and of course, Tom's famous one-for-one philosophy.

Yesterday, when I was putting my shoes away, I got to thinking about my own philosophy about giving.  Do I have one? I don't have a lot of money, so I am not ever going to be known as a great philanthropist in that sense. However, I have a lot of other things going for me. I have time, I have cool shoes and I can talk to kids.

My prayer for this year is for God to show me how I can serve Him better. This has led me to some deep reflection. Never an easy task, since I have to shut my own voice up to hear His, and I am a talker. A fill-in-the-silence nervous talker.  I, literally  have had to shut up. 

I have felt the hand of God sending me in a direction. Of course, I had to over analyze it and then get a reality check. My pride led me to think I needed to start at the top, when I really believe He wants me to start at the bottom. Giving, of my time and my self. 

So, while I wish I was as cool and visible as Blake Mycoski and could found a business as far reaching and hip as Toms, I realize I am to be a servant. God's servant and my fellow man's servant.
I am grateful to have been led, now I just need the courage to follow.

Hopefully, my shoes will take me there.

Curious?
Check back and I will share once I get the courage to take the leap. 

Gratituesday: The beginning is here

So...I started something, actually two things this year.

The first is my Power of a Positive Mom weekly Bible studies. They are on Monday and I started keeping a log of all the things I pray for, am struggling with, want to remember, etc. 

So far, two weeks down and it is amazing how on point they are with my life.

via

The other thing I started today. I decided that 2013 is a year of breaking old habits and starting new. So,  old habit #1 potty mouth is going out the door. New habit #1 is reading my Bible.  I decided to read the entire Bible  this year. I did it before in my teens and so, I thought it was high time to do it again. I am following this and today, read the first assignment.
 I have a Catholic study Bible which goes on to explain the verses and that is going to be very helpful, I think.

What I find to be amazing is that the Bible study this week is about gossiping and the reading in Ephesians mentions not using "coarse language". Yes, Lord, I am listening.

Nice

 

I think it is so overwhelming when you put something out there, even if you don't pray about it, that God knows and hears. I have found so many instances in my life when God answers my prayers or nudges me to let me know He is aware of what is going on with me.

As someone who is raising daughters, I feel it is extra important that they have an internal dialouge that is the voice or at least the words of God. So, as I read my Bible, I am noting verses that I want to post around our house, on their bathroom mirrors, etc. The memorizing of God's words and the teaching we follow as Christians is like taking your vitamins or working out. The act of it  creates reserves when you really need them.

I am not special at all by doing this. Millions over the millennium have done so as well.
My memory has gotten rusty over the years and the words don't come as easily as they once did. So, I am taking my vitamins, working my memory muscles and asking God to speak to me via my daily readings.

Gratitude and a hopefully open heart.

"Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."-Ephesians 4:32

Gratituesday: Say it with salad

I am truly thankful these days, and every post holiday season, for salad.

I ate the tastiest salad tonight for dinner and it is my saving grace. 

When my pants gets too tight, when I am feeling like I had too much of the weekend, or too much of anything, salad sets me straight.

I am so grateful that I had the forethought to keep salad ingredients in my fridge. 

Tonight it was spinach with walnuts, goat cheese and pears.

Tomorrow, who knows.

All I know is that when there is nothing else to eat in the house, or I don't want the carni food, there is always my good friend, Salad. This Gratituesday, I raise a glass to the rabbit food that helps me get back on the straight and hopefully narrow.

Gratiuesday: There but for the grace of God

The same thing is on every school age parent's mind this week. 

Are my children safe at school?

A terrible thing happened and babies are gone. 

My daughter came home from school Friday and wept for the parents who, in her mind, have Christmas trees and presents but no children to share them with. 

 The horror of the situation comes to me in waves. 

Yesterday Ellie told me she and her friend planned where they would go and how they would get away from a shooter in their school. That is my 11 year old.  The same girl who was terrified of rain after Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans.

My heart is so sad for  those families who lost a 6 year old child and for those children who will never be able to feel safe in their school ever again. The eagerness you have for learning in first grade is gone forever for them. 

 But I am angry as well. Angry that my daughter, a thousand miles away from this incident has a plan of escape in case a shooter comes to her school. I am mad that instead of mourning these 26 people who lost their lives in a senseless act, we are remembering other senseless acts and comparing and contrasting the links. Also, I am so angry that once again we are held hostage by two lobbies group that have bullied us into allowing high powered automatic weapons to fall in to the hands of mentally ill people legally. 

I am grateful to live in a country that has access to medical care and freedom to bear arms. I don't think we have made good choices on either front. We don't need assault weapons to protect our homes or hunt. We don't need to medicate every feeling or expression out of our children. 

SSRIs and legally bought assault weapons make a bad combination. 

Just ask the kids at Sandy Hook.

I am not against guns. I am against owning assault weapons when we profess to be a peaceful country that just wants to protect our homes and hunt for food. 

I am against medicating children, especially when the side effects are unknown and the known ones cause people to kill random strangers. 

I am fortunate that my children have come home every day safe. 

I plan on calling on my representative and my community to make sure that they stay that way.

 I call on all our lawmakers to look around, find their conscience and say no to the drug and the gun lobbies and say yes to us.

 

Via and stories...

Gratituesday: Mag Rag

I have started reading a magazine that I used to think was a little mature for me.

I actually bought a subscription to said magazine after I found myself buying it in the checkout lanes at various stores around town.

I kind of hid it under my Real Simple and my daughter's Mental Floss for awhile and then realized, that no one in my house knew what this magazine was, so I stopped.

THEN...

My sister came for Thanksgiving. She asked my daughter if I was the one who bought said magazine.

Yes, she said. Then my sister gave me the look.

You know the one. The one that says "What is up with that?"

Busted.

 

In case you are wondering the magazine is More. 

A magazine who's tag line is "Celebrates women of style and substance with articles on style, health, work, spirituality and relationships."

Whose readership's average age is 51. ( I just googled that.)

Yep, I am reading the old lady magazine.

In my defense, when I first bought it my idol Sarah Jessica Parker was on the cover.  Now, I am not one to pass up Ms. SJP on a magazine cover. After I realized what magazine it was, I was a little embarrassed. But then I bought the Salma Hayak cover and haven't looked back. 

For the record, most of the articles are exactly age appropriate for me, except there is little about the delicate dance of raising teenage daughters. Instead, it is about staying healthy physically, mentally and monetarily as we enter the second half of our lives. 

Check...I am about 9 years away from *gulp* middle age.

Also, when I was 16 and 17 I read Cosmo, and I definitely was young for that rag, for sure.

I am really grateful that I have a little bit of humility about aging.  I don't plan on getting "old" anytime soon, but I do know that the opposite of dying is aging. 

And, if I can get eating and health advice from Salma Hayak in the meantime, I am going to take it.

I am grateful for my downtime with my More magazine.

PS. I have also started reading Redbook at the gym. I may be in trouble.

Dirt: The priviledge is mine

I have been in a panic for a week.

Trying to figure it all out.

How will we I get it all done. How can I get my house clean, fun planned, food prepped and ready and still work, feed my family and chauffeur my kids around.

The cooking and the cleaning. The planning and the prepping.

Normally, I am a planning fool, ready the hit the road, plans in hand, cooking started on Sunday. Normally, I relish a party or gathering, especially if it involves my family, ALL of my family.

This year, I am paralyzed. How will I get it done? Why am I doing it, to start with?

So I have been complaining to all and any who will listen.

Thankfully, it was a good friend, my mother in law and my sister  to whom I complained about my horrible lot. The friend reminded me graciously, that I am just like everyone else. (Thanks,Cindy!) Everyone else who is lucky enough to have family that speaks to them or is close enough to come to visit. Silently reminding me that I am lucky to have a wonderful family. WHAM!

Then, my awesome mother-in-law, whom I don't thank enough for what she does to keep me sane, offered to make not one but THREE dishes. She is an amazing cook and I am thrilled and humbled  to have her help me feed the crowd. BOOM!

Last, my younger sister put things in perspective for me. She reminded me that no one cares if I have dust and bathrooms that may or may not also be drinking fountains for dogs. She reminded me that we  will all start laughing and having fun. She also reminded me that it is okay that I don't know how to process the feelings I have about my mother's death. That it's normal that I am sad and can't get out of my own sad way.  SMOOTH! 

I am truly a stubborn woman. I ask  God weekly for help in handling the funk that I can't seem to escape, never actually putting a name to that funk.  And, as I told my kids on the way to school this morning, God speaks in a whisper. A soft whisper of a  patient  friend, a helpful and generous mother-in-law, and a confirming sister. 

I will be utterly exhausted come Sunday night, but I will have had my soul fed and my family around me, which is really all I long for anyway. The panic will have subsided and I will be back to normal.

Thank you, God for whispering to me.

Dirt: I want to laugh

I am a laughing fool.

I relish anything funny, preferring a bad joke to a sappy sentiment.

That could be a flaw. 

Or it could be me looking for the bright side in everything.

As I travel through life, I seek out those that make me laugh. If you have a good laugh, I will try to make you do it over and over again.

Whether laughing at myself, you or life in general, I appreciate someone who is not afraid to poke a little fun.

My husband keeps me laughing with his witty repartee and willingness to make a fool of himself.

Cat blanket

And, I hope I make him laugh, just a little as we travel through this life together.

Life can be really heavy and grim. Just listen to the news, read a paper or walk through the grocery store and you will hear things that make you want to curl up in bed and  never get up.

Laughter is truly one of God's greatest gifts.

It lightens our load and warms our hearts.

Gratituesday: My rocks

I have really enjoyed everyone's countdown to Thanksgiving on Facebook.

I give a little Amen to every single one of them.

My life is full of riches, most of them are living and breathing. 

My family means so much to me, especially the relationships I have with my sisters.

They are my rocks. 

Literally.

My husband makes fun of how we have a "special" speech pattern when we talk to each other.

And how we tell each other random "important" things, tell the same 5 stories over and over again and cackle like loons when we are together.

Well, what can I say, we are sisters.

 We have the same DNA and share the love that comes from coming full circle from being willing to beat the tar out of each other to being willing to fight to the death anyone else who even looks the wrong way at the others.

So, as I start my week of thankfulness, I have to say "THANKS" to the girls who keep my secrets, carry my burdens, share their burdens with me and make me laugh until I pee a little.

I love you Karen and Jennifer.

You are my rocks!

Gratituesday: Help a Sister Out

In case you didn't hear...

Another part of our wonderful country was decimated by a hurricane.

I don't care what you think about global warming, you can't deny that the climate is changing. 

Climate change is real and areas that are not prepared for major hurricanes, flooding or drought are being affected because they are not set up for such weather events.

Last week, Hurricane Sandy roared across the east coast and threw a major wrench in a lot of people's lives. You can see the photos online, on television and on Facebook. Everyone knows someone who is affected in some way. My own parents are heading that way to work as insurance adjusters to help people get their lives back just a little quicker.

I can't wrap my mind around it. As I plan Thanksgiving and my kids Christmas surprised, there are cold people waiting for the lights to come back on, to find out when they can go back to their house, if there even is a house. What can I do, so far away in Tennessee?

My acquaintance, the mother of one of my daughter's very wonderful friends, is from Toms River, New Jersey. She is watching from afar as her beloved childhood stomping ground as we say in the south,  is shown in photo after photo as destroyed and forever changed.

Great kid, greater mom

So, as one person, a "mom", as someone who wants to make a difference even from afar, she is doing so. She is doing what moms do, something practical that makes all the difference in the world.

She is organizing warm feet for those trying to restore normalcy to her beloved shore.

Donate to Box of Sox in any way you can.

Be grateful that you have what you do and share what you can.

  

You can also  " like" on Facebook and share with your friends.

Gratituesday: VOTE!

 Voted!

Yep, I did.

I am a woman. 

I waited a few minutes in a warm building.

I was not bullied, in fact I was greeted with kind words and a smile.

My vote will count. 

The country will move forward no matter who is elected with no riots, no bloodshed, no war.

I cannot fathom having to stand in line for hours, with guns pointed in my general direction, knowing my vote is purely for show. Or worse, not being allowed to vote because I am a woman.

Voting in Sudan (2011) via

God Bless Us. The United States.

The Land of the Free.

I voted and I am proud.

And grateful to live where it is easy and convenient to vote.

Where I voted looked a lot like this (via)

Sometimes I think that is why half the people who can vote don't.

If it that easy, can it matter?

Yes it does.

 

 

 

 

AND...since this is MY blog and MY voice...

I will echo the words of Susan B. Anthony...who would have made her rallying cry 

" NO BINDERS FULL OF WOMEN"...

 

via

 

Gratituesday: GIRLS!

I am grateful for my children.

Today on the way to school, I told them that I wouldn't change a thing about them.

They are smart, funny, quirky and truly amazing to watch.

As my youngest got out of the car this morning, I watched her walk into school.

She is confident and still "little" with her eagerness to be at school. 

Part of that is going to a school that embraces the "6th grade babies" (one of their school songs). 

I love that. 

So, as we count our blessings and watch our pennies to send our girls
to an "all girls" school, I am grateful.

Very, very grateful that they are a part of a culture that praises women for their strength, creativity and competitiveness. They are encouraged to be themselves at every age and for the most part are celebrated by their peers for their accomplishments and supported in their goals.
Pretty special, if you ask me.

(Mine is on of the last ones who stops and hugs her "Cat" on the way to her seat)

Gratituesday: Legs that run

I have legs. 

Most people do. 

Mine are 41 years old and carrying me around pretty darn well.

For the last 7 years, they have carried me around at a faster pace than they had before.

I started running when I was 33 years old as a way to get into shape for a ski trip I was going on.

I ran a 5k, then a 15k three weeks later. The day after I finished that 15k, I registered for a marathon.

I got bit.

Now, I was extremely slow. The first race I did, I came in last.

The 15k I ran just under 15 minute miles. I walk faster than than now.

But, as I continued running, I got stronger and faster. 

I placed in a few races in my age group, climbing up to 2nd in one race.

But what I got most of is this. Confidence. 

I started believing I could do things that were athletic. I grew up not playing sports. I played outside a lot, climbing trees and making forts.  I never really learned swim strokes and definitely never dove. My family spent a lot of time outside as well, hiking all over the southwest. But I never played any sports other than youth group volley ball and kickball. 

In my twenties, I joined gyms and did step aerobics.

So, when I married my hyper active husband, I started having to do stuff. 

We rollerbladed all over St. Louis. We walked our dogs miles and miles to get ice cream. 

HE played roller hockey, ice hockey and was on a crew team. 

I watched.

Once my kids were born, I decided I want to be a fit mom.

One who can pick large things up and run after balls, kids, dogs, etc.

I also decided at 39 to be a better swimmer.

But at 33 is when I became an athlete. I trained for and ran a very painful marathon.

Since then I have run many 5k race, several 10k races and 5 half marathons. Last year I ran three legs of a race between Chattanooga and Nashville.

I fall in and out of love with running.  But I always come back. I like how I feel when I finish a run. I like how my mind wanders and my head clears when I am out running. I like that when I hit the gym,  can lift more than double my body weight and I have strong abs, all due to running. 

I am running my last relay race next month. My team is a fun group of misfits that all are runners. 

We share war stories of plantar faciitis, shin splints, dogs bites and best times.

All of us are athletes.

I am grateful for that first race I did and also for all the runs since. But mostly I am thankful for healthy legs which carry me around.

Gratituesday: Take ownership

I am a huge fan of democracy.

As a red blooded American, I believe we are the luckiest people in the world to live in our amazing country. We enjoy so many freedoms that we take for granted, such as driving, watching free speech television (Fox News and The Daily Show owe a huge thanks to democracy), banking, living where we choose...the list goes on and on.

We owe all of this to one of our greatest and most ignored freedoms. 

The freedom to vote.
In a society where there are television shows dedicated to politics and politicians,  and how the job of running the country is getting done, you would think everyone would exercise their right to pick who represents their interests.

Yet only 40% of the eligible voting population voted  in the last election.
 That turnout was a record turnout, highest in 4 decades. 

Seriously? 

Shame on us. 

via

Voting allows us to have a voice, to take ownership if you will. 

When we own something, we take care of it. We have it maintained, check ups are involved, if something is broken we have it fixed. 

That is what is wrong with our country. We are renting the space. 

60% of eligible adults are neglecting the freedom that allows all of the others to be enjoyed.

The argument is nothing ever changes. Well, nothing will when over half the population doesn't give a damn if anything ever does.

via

It's really easy to find something you care about, even if it is trivial. The fact is nothing is trivial, it all matters. Find what affects you, figure out who sees the issue the same way you do, and vote.

via

 For instance, Want the soda size regulated so that people will make better choices and hopefully  not guzzle 32 oz. Big Gulps, sending healthcare costs up? Vote.Want everyone to be able to get semi-automatic weapons? Vote. Want to preserve our country by getting off the oil dependency that has put our country in bed with terrorists for the last 40 years? Vote. Want deregulation of everything, including seat belt wearing, speed limits, drinking age, pot smoking, garbage dumping, stock trading, dog fighting...? Vote.

The act of voting is both selfish and selfless. You become a voice and lend yours to another, at the same time, enabling you to feel good about being selfish.

I started voting as soon as I could. I vote in most of  my elections, including local. 

I have many frustrations at the way our government is being run and I look for whomever is going to serve my agenda and vote for them. If they don't serve me, I vote for someone else whom I think will.

Very selfish, but it is my duty as an American citizen  to exercise that particular freedom. But I am so grateful that I have the ability ( as of 1920 for women like me) to vote and to make my voice heard in my beloved country.

So, my gratitude this week is also my soap box. 

Get off your damn lazy asses, America and go vote.

South African voters after the end of apartheid