Whatever: Example #263

She's my mini me.

She hates it now, but in time will love the things we share.

Including this.

These make my heart hurt, thinking someday she will leave and go far, far away. 

Dirt: The priviledge is mine

I have been in a panic for a week.

Trying to figure it all out.

How will we I get it all done. How can I get my house clean, fun planned, food prepped and ready and still work, feed my family and chauffeur my kids around.

The cooking and the cleaning. The planning and the prepping.

Normally, I am a planning fool, ready the hit the road, plans in hand, cooking started on Sunday. Normally, I relish a party or gathering, especially if it involves my family, ALL of my family.

This year, I am paralyzed. How will I get it done? Why am I doing it, to start with?

So I have been complaining to all and any who will listen.

Thankfully, it was a good friend, my mother in law and my sister  to whom I complained about my horrible lot. The friend reminded me graciously, that I am just like everyone else. (Thanks,Cindy!) Everyone else who is lucky enough to have family that speaks to them or is close enough to come to visit. Silently reminding me that I am lucky to have a wonderful family. WHAM!

Then, my awesome mother-in-law, whom I don't thank enough for what she does to keep me sane, offered to make not one but THREE dishes. She is an amazing cook and I am thrilled and humbled  to have her help me feed the crowd. BOOM!

Last, my younger sister put things in perspective for me. She reminded me that no one cares if I have dust and bathrooms that may or may not also be drinking fountains for dogs. She reminded me that we  will all start laughing and having fun. She also reminded me that it is okay that I don't know how to process the feelings I have about my mother's death. That it's normal that I am sad and can't get out of my own sad way.  SMOOTH! 

I am truly a stubborn woman. I ask  God weekly for help in handling the funk that I can't seem to escape, never actually putting a name to that funk.  And, as I told my kids on the way to school this morning, God speaks in a whisper. A soft whisper of a  patient  friend, a helpful and generous mother-in-law, and a confirming sister. 

I will be utterly exhausted come Sunday night, but I will have had my soul fed and my family around me, which is really all I long for anyway. The panic will have subsided and I will be back to normal.

Thank you, God for whispering to me.

Dirt: My mother.

I am not sure where to start.

 My mother passed away two weeks ago very unexpectedly. My sister called to tell me she was in the hospital  and 24 hours later, she was gone. I drove to Murfreesboro to be with Karen at the hospital and to tell my mother goodbye. The whole experience was surreal. 

There was no will or even discussion, at least while we were adults of plans. 

We had to decide about very adult things like quality of life and funerals.

My sisters and I all had different relationships with my mother.

My was tense and difficult to say the least. We had not spoken in months and what communication we did have was via email, which was easier for me.

However, she was my mother and when I was little, she was a very good one.  She taught me silly songs, introduced me to my love of music and musicals, and made me my favorite meal on my birthday (Lima beans and cornbread) and tolerated the way I played with Barbie dolls -ripping off their heads repeatedly. I was a weird kid to say the least, but my mother never made me feel like I was.

My just younger sister, Karen was closer and she is truly bearing a heavy grief. She lost not only her mother, but also the grandmother to her children and indeed a friend. Picking up the phone  to chat is no longer an option and that is devastating to her.  My baby sister, Jennifer is a champ and her relationship, though strained like mine, was stronger.

We all have mothers. As women, our relationships are complicated as we grow up and try to find our identity apart from our mothers. I watch as my daughters try to emulate my behavior and break away at the same time. Mothering is not easy.
My mother was not a great mother.  However, she gave birth to three really dedicated and awesome mothers. We have all learned from our  childhood experiences and have taken the great qualities that she had and made them our own.
My mother was a good listener and could help solve any problems that were not her own.
She also had a razor sharp quick wit that truly was unique and she was very silly. The last two qualities helped her get through the tough times in her life, many of which were caused by her lifelong depression.

I see all of these in my sisters and me.
We all are silly, and humor carries us through the difficulties we face in our lives as mothers, wives and human beings.Both of my sisters are great listeners who can make you feel like your problems are the only ones they care about. We all share the wit in varying degrees, but the sharpness is mine. Whether that is good or not is to be debated, but it is my inheritance and I see it in both of my daughters as well.

Grief is a sneaky bastard. You think you feel one way about something and then BAM! Grief sneaks in and opens up doors that have been closed for years. You think you have dealt with the situation at hand and then WHAM-O! Grief sneaks back and starts the cycle over again. Lovely.

So, as the weeks move on and we tie up loose ends, we will hopefully move onto pleasant memories and the heavy burdens we are carrying now will be lightened. Our hearts will remember her as funny and caring and forget about the things that caused us strife.

She was our mother and she will be missed.