Dirt: A Smack to the Head

Oh snap! I had an epiphany on the trails today.  A realization that a prayer had been answered and I didn't really acknowledge it. Sort of like I had forgotten to write that 'Thank You" note...to God.

Fast dogs and faster husband

 This is why I hit the trails. Today, I literally hit them, with my feet. Steve invited me for a trail run. I have not been running at all, so I was by myself most of the run. Which was fine.  I took my time and ran nearly the entire hour. I don't listen to music when I trail run because I am listening for wildlife. Snakes, bears, wolves, barracudas... so I end up being in my head. Being outdoors is a form of meditation for me.

Sandwiched rock

Gratituesday: Momma got a message

I am so excited I can barely stand it. 

Someone gave me advice over a year ago to be open to new things. 

That is not a common feeling of mine. I tend to be wary of things. Some call it controlling, I call it cautious. I married the opposite of cautious and it has been a grand adventure.

 

 

But I digress. 

In my effort to be open to new things, I have started saying "YES". Yes to volunteering for a fundraising event. Yes to my daughter's request we try a new church. Yes, to a new hair color that I have toyed with for months. Yes to new friends and being "friends"  on Facebook with people. 

Yes, to a new job opportunity.

 

Yes, yes, yes. 

I saw a Facebook post by a mother of friend of Ellie's whom I have gotten to know a little from dropping Ellie off at their house and sitting and watching her daughter and mine play lacrosse.  She is a friend of a friend, an acquaintance. 

The post was really a help wanted ad looking for an administrative assistant for a business she was starting with her partner.

I contacted her immediately without even thinking about it. After we spoke on the phone, I arranged to meet with them both. Their enthusiasm was contagious.

Long story short, I have been working a few hours here and there and start next Wednesday. 

Open and YES! have led me to a new job, one that uses my skills. One that I am excited about. 

One that I am really looking forward to starting.

I cannot thank said advice giver. She has brought more into my life than I could have ever thought possible. The lesson I take away is this " God puts people in your life for a reason. He speaks through them, uses their skills for His purpose and blesses them for being open. All we have to do is be open as well to hear His message for us. " 

 

I am so grateful for Sunshine Girl and her "be open message", for my new bosses and their enthusiasm and for my husband, the original adventurer in my life.

Dirt: Lent

A Lenten Prayer
Fast from judging others; feast on Christ in them.
Fast from wanting more; feast on being thankful.
Fast from anger; feast on patience.
Fast from worry; feast on trust.
Fast from complaining; feast on enjoyment.
Fast from negatives; feast on positives.
Fast from stress; feast on prayer.
Fast from anger; feast on forgiveness.
Fast from self-concern; feast on compassion for others.
Fast from fear; feast on truth.
Fast from discouragement; feast on hope.
Fast from gossip; feast on silence.
Fast from fighting; feast on peace.
Gentle God, during this season of fasting and feasting, gift us with your presence
so we can be a gift to others in carrying out your work.
Amen.
--Adapted from A Lenten Prayer by William Arthur Ward

 

 

As I begin Lent, I am hopeful for a rejuvenation of my spirit, similar to what happens when you fast. Calmness of spirit, focus on faith and God, realignment of the balance in my life of peace and patience versus turmoil and frustration.

 

Best wishes to you on your Lenten journey.

 

  

Gratituesday: Following shoes

I love shoes. 

My parents called me Imelda in high school. I not only worked in the shoe department of a local department store, but I also spent a lot of my hard earned money on buying more shoes. At one point, I had over 100 pairs. 

I am not quite so gluttonous now. I have about 15 pairs of shoes, but wear only a few regularly. Running shoes, my beloved cowboy boots, a pair of Converse  my nephew bought me for Christmas, and my Rainbow flip flops which also double as my slippers are heavy in the rotation. I have a pair of black flats that I have literally almost worn out and am on the search for a pair as comfy to replace them. The rest are random shoes I wear often enough to warrant keeping, but not often enough to make the pile at the bottom of my closet.

For Christmas, I received two pairs of super cool Toms. One is more of a winter Tom and the other all season. I have worn them both once and foresee once shorts season is here, the all season  with be in high rotation with  my Rainbows.  I feel pretty cool thinking that somewhere, two people have a pair of shoes thanks to my Christmas wish and of course, Tom's famous one-for-one philosophy.

Yesterday, when I was putting my shoes away, I got to thinking about my own philosophy about giving.  Do I have one? I don't have a lot of money, so I am not ever going to be known as a great philanthropist in that sense. However, I have a lot of other things going for me. I have time, I have cool shoes and I can talk to kids.

My prayer for this year is for God to show me how I can serve Him better. This has led me to some deep reflection. Never an easy task, since I have to shut my own voice up to hear His, and I am a talker. A fill-in-the-silence nervous talker.  I, literally  have had to shut up. 

I have felt the hand of God sending me in a direction. Of course, I had to over analyze it and then get a reality check. My pride led me to think I needed to start at the top, when I really believe He wants me to start at the bottom. Giving, of my time and my self. 

So, while I wish I was as cool and visible as Blake Mycoski and could found a business as far reaching and hip as Toms, I realize I am to be a servant. God's servant and my fellow man's servant.
I am grateful to have been led, now I just need the courage to follow.

Hopefully, my shoes will take me there.

Curious?
Check back and I will share once I get the courage to take the leap. 

Dirt: The priviledge is mine

I have been in a panic for a week.

Trying to figure it all out.

How will we I get it all done. How can I get my house clean, fun planned, food prepped and ready and still work, feed my family and chauffeur my kids around.

The cooking and the cleaning. The planning and the prepping.

Normally, I am a planning fool, ready the hit the road, plans in hand, cooking started on Sunday. Normally, I relish a party or gathering, especially if it involves my family, ALL of my family.

This year, I am paralyzed. How will I get it done? Why am I doing it, to start with?

So I have been complaining to all and any who will listen.

Thankfully, it was a good friend, my mother in law and my sister  to whom I complained about my horrible lot. The friend reminded me graciously, that I am just like everyone else. (Thanks,Cindy!) Everyone else who is lucky enough to have family that speaks to them or is close enough to come to visit. Silently reminding me that I am lucky to have a wonderful family. WHAM!

Then, my awesome mother-in-law, whom I don't thank enough for what she does to keep me sane, offered to make not one but THREE dishes. She is an amazing cook and I am thrilled and humbled  to have her help me feed the crowd. BOOM!

Last, my younger sister put things in perspective for me. She reminded me that no one cares if I have dust and bathrooms that may or may not also be drinking fountains for dogs. She reminded me that we  will all start laughing and having fun. She also reminded me that it is okay that I don't know how to process the feelings I have about my mother's death. That it's normal that I am sad and can't get out of my own sad way.  SMOOTH! 

I am truly a stubborn woman. I ask  God weekly for help in handling the funk that I can't seem to escape, never actually putting a name to that funk.  And, as I told my kids on the way to school this morning, God speaks in a whisper. A soft whisper of a  patient  friend, a helpful and generous mother-in-law, and a confirming sister. 

I will be utterly exhausted come Sunday night, but I will have had my soul fed and my family around me, which is really all I long for anyway. The panic will have subsided and I will be back to normal.

Thank you, God for whispering to me.

Gratituesday: Prayer

Everyday, I pray for the same things.

I think God must think I am so boring and whiney.

I pray for my sisters and their familial needs. I pray for my girlfriends and their journeys.

I pray for my parents, that they always be safe as they bump along in their bus.

I pray for my kids, the strength to raise them, the wisdom to raise them well, and the courage to be a strong Catholic mom. And I ask for forgiveness (lots and lots of forgiveness.)

Those things. Every. Single. Day.

God knows my heart, even when I don't vocalize the matters therein.

But, talking to Him daily, boringly is a true joy. 

My thoughts are unscrambled. My nervousness about my family is eased. 

My grip on trying to hold it all together is relaxed, just a little bit. 

My unraveling stalled momentarily.

via

I believe in prayer. I believe it works. 

Sometimes, not in the way we want it to. Sometimes not when we think it should. 

God answers prayers. 

We lose people we ask Him to keep alive. We don't get jobs we want.

But we are humans and our scope is microscopic. We can't see what is coming up. 

We don't realize in the moment the damage a person might have to live with if they continue living. 

Our minds only know our current wants, we cannot see what lies ahead.

However, I have seen miracles.

I  have felt God's hand on mine as I struggled with my journey.

I know He listens and measures. 

So, daily, I whine and bore God with my needs and requests. 

I ask for guidance in matters small and large. He calms my fears and holds me in His hands. 

Those conversations are the best part of my day sometimes.

For them, I am grateful.

Eating: Body and soul

One of the book(s) I am reading right now is  

The Handbook for Catholic Moms: Nurturing Your Heart, Mind, Body, and Soul.

I am really enjoying it and, while I am only about five chapters in, I have found many things that I can apply to my daily life.

via

As a working (part-time) mom, I am always trying to juggle a million things. 

I have carpool duty, groceries getting, house cleaning, dog duty and of course, errand running. 

Just like every other mom. I am not special in any single way. So, like every other mom, I try to fit it all in. But one thing falls to the "let it slide"pile. That is daily prayer. 

I start talking to God as I am falling asleep. I rarely finish. 

So, now, as the Prayer Warrior for my family, I am going to pray in the car.

Juggling is a mom's best trick

I mean, honestly, I have all my truly  serious conversations with my kids in the car. Why we think Justin Bierber is cute but not worth listening to, who we want to see in concert (The Killers, Florence and the Machine, Plug in Stereo, in case you are buying us tickets) and why girls are mean to each other are all topics we have covered. I also drive about 350 miles a week.

So it makes sense that is where I would talk to God.

When you see me driving around town, talking to myself like a loon. 

Don't call the men in the white jackets, I am talking to God. I am not insane, I am trying to stay sane.

Via

I also get distracted and forget what I want to talk to Him about, so I have started a daily prayer list. You know I love a list. So, I got a dollar notebook and have started listing all the things I want to talk about. If I write it down, I will remember to ask God to help my sister with her teenagers (three!) and to help Delaney's friend whose sister has been in the hospital most of her senior year battling cancer, and to help  me with my duties as mom and wife.

Life is wonderful, overwhelming and chaotic. I am trying to find a little order with my lists and my spot on the wall. What are you doing?

Another list: Weekly menu at Casa Swann

• Red beans, rice and chicken andouille sausage
• Shrimp taco salad
• Crockpot chicken, roasted squash, black-eyed pea salad
• Spaghetti with  meat sauce

Gratituesday: Could you, would you pray?

I spend a lot of time by myself. As a stay at home mom, I am in my head almost all day. I don't turn the television on unless I am sick (never) and I rarely talk on the phone. Unless I physically leave my house, I talk to very few people during the day.

(I do talk to the dogs, but they are poor conversationalists, very one sided in their topics).

precious, but not that bright or witty

I would like to say I pray, but the reality is that I don't as often as I should. Sometimes,  I pray in the shower, it is very serene there and very white, with little to distract my twenty first century mind. 

However, I don't really pray like I wish I would, like I wish I could.

Could?

I mean how hard is it to come out of my mind and talk to God? 

Very.

In my head it is me thinking of creative things I COULD be doing. Of delicious meals I will be making. Of lovely clothes that I wish I owned. In my head it is very easy to be comfortable and numb. 

me...in my head...

Talking to God is awkward and intimidating. First of all, I don't really think He could possibly care about all the monotonous things I want to talk about (me, myself and I). Second, all I do is whine, whine, whine. 

Third, by the time I get to the end of the conversation, I have forgotten why I started it in the first place. I mean, really, I talk to dogs, for Pete's sake.

However, I know that I really NEED to talk to God and that He does care about the little things...I mean, "Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows." (Luke 12:7) I have to admit, if He knows that little detail, He must care that I am sad my kids are growing up, that my finger hurts where I burned it, that my husband carries a very heavy burden at work and I feel there is little I do to lessen it. 

And the whining...well, I am whiny. "Little Tanya Whiner" didn't get the name being stoic. So, why shouldn't the Being responsible for making me hear my constant whine about every random thing.  And the rambling, well, I think anything is better than nothing, right? 

I believe in prayer, I know the effects of it are God's grace and presence being felt (He is always there, waiting). I see the devout women that I know that pray daily, openly and seek Him out. The light that shines from them is amazing. And surely, I am hoping, fingers crossed, that they feel like I do. That God has better things to do, like protect soldiers, and watch out for orphans, rather than listen to me ramble awkwardly. 

I am very conflicted, always in my faith. I feel that God does not make horrible things happen. But I also struggle to see how good faithful people can be allowed to suffer. What is the meaning of all of this? If I pray and pray for something to change, why doesn't it? If I ask and ask for a burden to be lifted, why isn't it? If I ask for healing, why do I not feel it?  I repent my sins, but still feel the guilt. 

Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love) traveled around the globe looking for redemption and peace in her life. God led her to feed her body, quiet her soul and find love AND Him. Epic, surely, but very painful. 

Is the key to  her journey that she laid on her bathroom floor, asking, begging for help? It took years for her to find her path. Then over a year to get on it and travel toward healing. I sense that my issues are me, my failure to "stick with it" and my impatience with God's answer ( or my inability to get out of my own head and listen for Him). Reading Elizabeth's book lead me a few years ago to change how I prayed. I started asking God for what I wanted and listening for His replies.  The amazing thing is that I actually think it made a difference. Praying became easier, and I prayed more often and with better focus. I have gotten out of that habit, mostly because it is not an autopilot easy way to pray.

As I start this new year, my quest is to return to that exercise in being patient and open. To be less in my own head and more in God's world. I am ever so grateful that I have to opportunity to try, try again to get it right and build that relationship. God's grace receives me every time.