Dirt: Close Family

April Update... see March List.

We are counting down the days of attendance until the end of school for both girls (30 days for one and 24 for the other). Ellie started driving and is now running all over town, having fun.  Our family life is shifting a little bit.

We are a close family. I always joke that we could downsize to a house with just 7 rooms (2 bathrooms, 3 bedrooms, kitchen and living room) and one sofa and we would not notice. We spend so much time in our kitchen that we really could just have the television in the kitchen and do away with the living room.

The past few weeks, I feel closer to the girls. Maybe it is the impending change. Maybe it is seasonal, but I enjoy them so much lately. I am frustrated by them, sure. Fights with mom are easy to pick and I am an easy target. However, I am thrilled that we are so close.

Boyfriends 

Best friends

I have friends who are as close to their daughters and I think that is part of the success of our relationships. The girls see the other dynamics and know it is a settling thing to have your parents close. I feel sad for the girls who hide EVERYTHING from their parents. I do not for one second think mine don't hide things from me. However, I know a lot and am privy to secrets that other moms are not.

I love being a mom. I never thought I would want to be one. I thought I wanted to travel and live a big life. One without kids. However, my life is large because I have these amazing women in it and I would not change  a thing.

Dirt: Why We Care When We Do

This is a post that I wrote last year. I was going through my drafts and found it among about 100 others. Why didn't I post? I am not sure. However, with the current political craziness that is going on around us and in Washington, I thought I would share. I still have no answers, but I know in my heart that a ban does not make sense. Racism, xenophobia and hate are not the answer to any of our problems.

Holocaust Memorial in Boston

I admit it. I jumped on the band wagon. My Facebook profile picture is the French flag. I am  normally not one to do so, but there is something that Steve said that made me do so. France is one of the most accepting countries of religious differences.

He hit the nail on the head of what has been bothering me for years about our country. We don't embrace differences. Oh, we will try your food and embrace  your heritage if it suits our current fashion trend (think fringe and bohemian dresses, thank you native Americans and India), but you had better get in line when it comes to everything else. Your faith, speech, accent and public life better damn well reflect our homogenized watered down, version of America.

Dirt: I'm On A Mission...

Since I am back...I am going to go for two this morning. I am in the throes of reinvention in many parts of  my life. My closet is getting ripped to shreds and sent to donations. My house is getting cleaned top to bottom (so neglected) and my habits are getting a freshening up.



I tend to be a creature of habit. Routine is my friend and my comfort. However, I feel the need for a little shaking up. I took several weeks off and gave myself a break from working out to look into what I really want to be doing. Barre was great and a stress relief, but I am bored. Running has been off the table for me due to my knees,but I  have slowly headed back out and while I am struggling, I am enjoying being out there again.

teenagers do this to a person

My house has been a mess all summer. Kids at home tend to keep it that way and working 40 hours a week does not make it a top priority for cleaning. But, I have cobwebs, dirty windows, sticky floors and the "pass over" style is not really working.

my bedroom inspiration via

So, I am on a mission to reinvent myself, my house and my habit. Are you ever like that...getting a bee in your bonnet to shake things up?

Dirt: The Itch

School has started and my break is officially over! I took an unintentional break from blogging all summer long. I missed it, but it was a much  needed creative hiatus. Work is in front of a computer all day long and when I get home, I do not really want to sit in front of a different computer, even to exercise my creativity.

We painted over the graffiti wall

However, the itch has been really strong, so...here I am.

Dirt: Hump Day Winter Hate

The weather is awful. Cold, damp and threatening snow. 

We have had two weeks of this. I am a southerner and I loathe cold, damp and snow. 

So on that note...Happy Wednesday! 

We can make it. We can make it. Say it with me...We can make it. 

Dirt: Prancericise Yourself to Happiness

After that whiny post, I can imagine what anyone who read it must think of me. Whiny, self pitying, narcissistic... and lately that would be correct.

But I am turning that around.  After my crying vent, I realized I need to be learning. I am a learning kind of girl who needs a challenge to keep me moving forward. So, I am starting piano lessons in January! We have a baby grand that gets no love, so I am gonna be the one to show some love.

I am trying to have an open mind and heart, saying "YES"! To  things that come my way this month (I did  say no to big wheel racing yesterday, which I regret). I am a work in progress for sure. However, I am getting there.

Yesterday, I Prancercised  a mile race in costume with Steve. I have not laughed like that in months. Between the prancing and laughing, I could barely breathe. The effect was awesome, even freeing, since I was in front of hundreds of people!

All I can say is if I can continue to laugh at myself,  I think I am off to a great month!

Dirt:Poor Little Me

I have a confession to make. I sat in bed last week and cried my eyes out. I was sharing with my husband how lonely I am. Truly lonely. Like when I moved to town and had no friends. This was a hard burden to share.  After all, it is one of my own creation.

The truth is, my life revolves and has for some time around my girls. Friends were made with them as the common link. Now, everyone, including me is busy with teenagers and helicoptering.  We are getting them out the door and ready to leave the nest, leaving little time for ourselves. Most of my girlfriends are in the same boat, I think. Or maybe it is just me.

I have a solitary job. I have solitary hobbies and I am turning into a solitary person. I am reverting to my natural introverted self and it is depressing.  The solitary life  burden bore the proverbial straw the other night with an offhand comment by my husband, meant to be funny.

I am swimming in self pity right now and it is starting to feel pretty selfish. Getting it out of the darkness of my interior conversations and into the light felt pretty good.

What am I to do?

Not really sure. Poor me.

Dirt: Weird

Hope your weekend was lovely. Mine was rushed, but very good. I cleaned my house, drove to Murfreesboro to see my sisters and then had  Steve's college roommate here for 24 hours.

Seeing my sisters is always great. However, this time was so rushed, I really felt discombobulated after.. My sister had her house decorated for the holidays already. Literally, Santa was waiting when I walked into the door.   I am a firm believer that our country is going to hell in a hand basket and skipping Thanksgiving is the finest example of this. But whatever floats  your boat.

1975 or 1976 Christmas

Dirt: I Need A Fire Lit

This was a weekend full of great achievement, for my kids. I was the supportive mom that I always strive to be. Standing all day long, on the banks of a river to watch my daughter row. I literally saw her for less than 6  minutes total. Meanwhile, I made small talk, helped feed 100 hungry teenagers, cleaned up after teenagers and acted like I felt great.

I did not. In fact, I was running a fever all day long. My back hurt, my head hurt and yes...my feet probably stunk. I smiled and cheered and made small talk with a dozen other parents to cheer on our kids. Because that is what mothers do.

Friday, I drove across town twice to pick up my other daughter and deposit her at the drop off for her sleep away retreat. Youth Trust is a big deal, as it is a great community service  program sponsored by the YMCA. She was nominated by her teachers as a leader in her school. I was thrilled. Even though with a fever, headache, backache and the knowledge that I had a 5 am wake up call, I drove her across town instead of going home to bed.

I always joke that the #momlife twitter tag is women driving someone else, somewhere far to enjoy fun they are not going to enjoy themselves.  And if you are a mom with involved kids, you know that is exactly what #momlife is all about.

I decided when I got pregnant unexpectedly, that I would be the best mom I could be. I have taken that decision very seriously. But somehow the last year has become about work and kids and not about ME. Don't get me wrong, I have tons of fun. Steve and I have a great time going out. However, I am missing the nourishing of my soul.


This is not something I just realized. But it dawned on me today as I took my daughter shopping and bought her 3x the amount of clothes than I bought myself, I am not treating myself right. Not clothes or things you can buy, but I am not treating my creative side right. I read books and I work out (not in a week and a half). That is it. What am I going to do? Not sure. But I do know I need to do something quick before I dry up and become old.

That is all for now.

Dirt: The List Update

I somehow missed the list February and now it is the 10th of March.
HOW? I don't know, but I love it.

Last March...middle schoolers...this March...HIGH schoolers

Dirt: I looked in the mirror and did not like it.

Our society is due a fall soon. Rome got to big for its britches and look what happened.
I am equal parts scared and equal parts anticipatory. The pressure cooker that the internet has created is going to blow sooner or later. The isolation we experience on a daily basis is the cause of the road rage, movie theater slayings and inability to communicate with anyone anymore.

We criticize our youth for their monosyllabic retorts, but have we spent anytime looking in the proverbial mirror?

Dirt: My Favorite Daughter (of the second)

Whew! Friday is finally here. I love my job and my family, but I am exhausted this week and part of the reason is them.We had two swim meets in three days, play rehearsals, lots of homework, last minute snack runs and I worked 40 hours.  But it is now Friday and that means...wine, laundry and cleaning out closets at my leisure.

Last weekend, during the break of the middle school swim championship, I came home and cleaned out Ellie's room. Two bags of garbage and a lot of sharpies (at least 100) later, it is clean. Almost still clean.

She is a big time artist and I know will at least study it in high school all the way to AP Art, and may continue on in college. So, all of her drawers are full of art, art supplies, art books and doodled on pieces of paper. I saved almost all of them. She really likes to look back and see how far she has progressed over the years. One piece I found was from two years ago and had a note on the back of it. 

She is my favorite daughter.

Dirt: You're so lame...

On November 9th I created a new list, which I promptly forgot about...

Let's check in two months later to see how well I did. 

via

Dirt: Insurance Soap Box

I went to see my internist today for my yearly visit and mentioned that my depression last winter was really tough. She asked why I had not been to see her. 

My answer wast that my insurance pays for one visit per year. She seemed shocked. 

This got me thinking about my yearly visit that costs me $15 out of pocket in her office and then around $50 for blood work. On top of my family's $1700 a month. We go to the doctor for checkups and that is it. $18,500 a year for four check ups and Steve's insulin, which still costs us around $300 a month.

What the heck is wrong with that picture?

 No prescriptions other then insulin. EVER. Ellie was on her first and only antibiotic in 5th grade for an ingrown toenail. Delaney has never been on one. We are drug free, literally.

Why is our insurance so high and then not really pay for anything? 

The country is about to go down a rabbit hole of debt because our lawmakers (all of them) are in the pocket of the drug and insurance companies. 

What are we going to do about it? Probably nothing.

We are lazy and scared and want something for nothing as long as it is not tied to the word socialism.

Go to almost every other first world country and check out their health care systems (Yes, that means England and Canada too). Socialized and functioning. 

**Sadly step off soap box**

Dirt: We Are Almost There

My life the last few weeks has been a little bit weird with me getting used to working and the girls getting back in a routine.  We are almost there. I am getting my feet under me and with the exception of dogs marking rugs and me having to mop and disinfect my entire room and bed, I am getting things done in the evenings when I get home.

 

The girls are staying busy with school, homework and extra circular activities.One is playing two sports AND singing in a choir AND holds a student government office AND has a social life. My head spins. The other one is almost as busy, but middle school holds you back just a little. So at least she does not have to be driven hither and yon.

Steve and I had a conversation the other night that we have gotten to that spot where we are alone as much as we are with our kids. Weird. But a good weird. 

This weekend is our last outdoor concert weekend. The summer was a great one for music. 

 We have tickets to see the Lumineers in October. I feel September will be a little drought like musically. Although I am hoping to get tickets to see Dwight October 3rd, which is almost September. That would be awesome. I love him, mostly because he's great, but also because my Memaw, who died when she was just 13 years older than I am now, thought he was hot.
That is all it takes for me.

Dirt: My job

It is pretty amazing being a mom.

My life is so different than I thought it would be. If I had actually given it any thought, or had someone giving me direction, I would have been a writer or gone into marketing. 

Instead, I studied anthropology, became a restaurant employee, a very mediocre auditor for a retail company, and then a mom.

I am struggling with what my next step is. My kids are at that crucial moment when they need advice and guidance and independence. The hand holding is mostly over. They can cross streets, cook food, dress themselves, and both are learning to drive cars.  

I have been a good mom. There is no doubt about that.

Dirt: I am a snob

* This is a post that has been sitting in my edit box for months and I have been adding to it as thoughts occur to me. It's a little preachy. Be warned.*

I am a snob. There I said it. 

I am. People get my nerves. 

Before you get all crazy, let me explain.

I mean, people who pass the buck on their own personal responsibility.

That is not saying that I think I am perfect, far from it actually.

I am deeply flawed, but I am a work in progress.

I am a grass roots kind of girl. 

I think a lot of what is wrong with our country can be solved at home. Everyone who has a brain and a computer can figure most of this stuff out.  

Eating less chemicals, spanking our kids, suffering consequences
and putting our money where our mouth is.

Boom! Solved all our problems.

Eating is a big thing for me. I had an obese mother and I swore early in my life that I would never be fat. I have battled staying fit and I have had to lose a significant amount of weight (by my standards) three times (baby, baby, marathon).  I have spent a lot of time reading and learning about what makes us unhealthy via what we eat. Basically, I have educated myself.  I have read studies on eating chemicals and what they do to our brains and our bodies.


 

Based on that, I have made sure my family eats healthy foods that are either local, organic or hormone free as much as possible. We rarely eat fast food, soda is an occasional treat and my kids have never had a Twinkie. Ever.

Dirt: Reminder to get to work

So, one of the items on my list is finish house project list.

That is such a daunting task, as the list never is really fully checked off.

old houses...settle

 

We redid our guest room last year, refinished the stairs, painted the walls in our kitchen, den, dining, living room, guest bedroom and both halls, redid our kitchen counter tops, tiled the back splash , installed a new sink and fixed a lot of the dry wall in our bedroom. 

Dirt: I want to laugh

I am a laughing fool.

I relish anything funny, preferring a bad joke to a sappy sentiment.

That could be a flaw. 

Or it could be me looking for the bright side in everything.

As I travel through life, I seek out those that make me laugh. If you have a good laugh, I will try to make you do it over and over again.

Whether laughing at myself, you or life in general, I appreciate someone who is not afraid to poke a little fun.

My husband keeps me laughing with his witty repartee and willingness to make a fool of himself.

Cat blanket

And, I hope I make him laugh, just a little as we travel through this life together.

Life can be really heavy and grim. Just listen to the news, read a paper or walk through the grocery store and you will hear things that make you want to curl up in bed and  never get up.

Laughter is truly one of God's greatest gifts.

It lightens our load and warms our hearts.

Dirt: Too much time alone

I have been in a funk lately and not inspired creatively.

So, I have been staying home a lot, by myself.

That makes me a chatterbox when I finally come across "real people".

I am horrible about interupting when I have  a thought to add to the conversation, just like a little kid.

So, as I spend a fair amount of time with people this weekend, I am going to try to practice my listening heart.

Thanks, Edie.

too much time alone...Kooky!