Dirt: Our Baby is 14!

14! We are in denial that our baby is 14, but it has come and gone and we survived.

Ellie is stylish and fashionable. Literally the funniest person in the room, no matter what.  Kind and cool, her current loves are summer camp, Eno hammocks and rocking dad's old sweatshirts. My favorite thing about her is that she is eternally hanging out with "one of my best friends". All of her friends are considered "best". 

Sign from her 7th birthday! Makes an appearance every year! 

She is asked for art supplies and bikinis for her birthday. We obliged.  And they came days later in the mail! (Of course!)

Cooking: Birthday parties are the best!

We had the "best birthday party ever!!!" according to the birthday girl. Kickball is an amazing equalizer. A few box mix birthday cupcakes, a little store bought pizza, 1,000 drinks and a major connection hook up and you have yourself a very fun birthday party.

Dirt: Tomorrow is my mother's birthday

Tomorrow is my mother's birthday.

My mother that gave birth to me, not the one who lives here in Tennessee and is the "mom".

My mother, who was a puzzle that was missing pieces for most of my life.

She passed away a year ago, July. The anniversary of her death was only a day to me. Not because I am callous, but because I don't make not of death dates. On purpose. 

Last year, her birthday wasn't something that stuck out, terribly. I was a little freaked when facebook notified me. But her being gone was still so new, I was in a daze. This year her birthday is something I am actually aware of. The day has been looming on the horizon since my birthday, 19 days ago.

My whole life she told me we celebrated our first 20 together. She turned 20 years old the day I turned 20 days old. 

I am still processing what an unfinished relationship ours was. We were not close. She had many issues that I could not allow to be part of my life. My life in my 20's and 30's when I was trying to make sense of what I now know are the scars of a childhood spent being raised by children.

But as I entered my 40s, I was almost there. Almost ready to make room in my life for her. Do I regret not having a better relationship? That is complicated. I have raised my girls knowing stability and routine. A family that is not chaotic and full of unfulfilled promises. But part of me is indeed sad that Delaney and Ellie will miss that part of me. The part of me that was a momma's girl until 4th grade. The part of me the knows crazy songs and silly jokes. The part of me that is my mother.

I have spent the past 14 months dealing with a dark depression that I have only shared with a few close friends and Steve. My heart is finally coming out from under the burden of guilt and unsureness about her death. I finally am able to think about her birthday with sadness and happiness, both. She is not here. 

She is not hurting or trying to be happy or trying to not make promises she cannot fulfill. 

But she is also not waiting on me to call or come by and that is the sad part of tomorrow.

Tomorrow is my mother's birthday.

Dirt: 7-7-77's day is here

Off in the rain to my parent's new farm to celebrate my sister, Jennifer's birthday. 

She was born with the luckiest of birthday's and as the baby of our family is the golden child.

Kindhearted, generous, stubborn and a diva in the best possible way. 

Whatever: Happy Birthday

Today is the birthday of my husband. 

We have celebrated birthdays together since 1995, when he turned the ripe old age of 26.

I bought him a pizza stone, a pizza paddle and a cookbook about, you guessed it, pizza.

This based on the fact that when I visited him at school in St. Louis, we ate pizza or Italian almost every single day. I figured I had a fair shot at a home run. 

Over the years, I have figured out  lots of things about Steve. 

Mostly that his family did not make huge deals out of most things. 

My family, by contrast, throws a party if you get up to go to the bathroom.

"Surprise! We are still here! "

Somewhere in the middle is how we celebrate his birthday.

I try to come up with something fun. 

He tries to make it hard as hell to buy him anything.

We have cake.

 

This year is very low key. Swim meet, then drinks with friends.

I made dinner last night and a cake, his mom and my parents came over. 

There were gifts.

Next week, however, we will combine the tournament in his honor "Swannie Cup" with my favorite holiday. I can sneak in my need to celebrate with his need to not. 

Win/Win.

Happy Birthday to truly my favorite person.

You make me laugh, make me think, and impress me with your feats of strength.

I am so glad you were born.

 

 

Whatever: 14 is Great (With Pictures)

14 is a great birthday.

At least from a parent's point of view.

Two years til driving. 4 years til leaving.

I love 14. 

And I love my 14 year old.

This birthday fell in a big,stressful  week for the birthday girl.

Two part math exam Tuesday and Thursday. 

French exam on her actual birthday. 

8th grade celebration  on Friday.

We ran from one thing to another. Yet in typical Delaney fashion, it was easy and quirky, with the request for chicken noodle soup and Caesar salad made at home with chocolate cake.

That's my girl, easy and challenging all in the same breath.

I am so thrilled to watch this beautiful girl find her path. I feel we are on the cusp of something big. As I watched her surround herself with a new group of friends this year, I saw that she would be alright. She has found her people. Smart, unique girls who love and support each other. 

Delaney is creative and marches to the beat of her own drum.  Even in preschool, the reports were always, "She is not like the other girls". Black and purple were her colors of choice in a sea of pink.  This year she asked for math workbooks and a manual typewriter for her birthday.

She is the most  curious person I know, which can be a challenge for a parent. Since she was three she has read about whatever she was interested in at the time, becoming an autodidact (like me) and a fearless person (not like me). I have watched her tackle new sports, two new schools, difficult  and challenging relationships. Sometimes she was at the bottom (7th grade friend drama), but I have also seen her rise to the top (8th grade Southeastern swim finals in the 500, helping lead her team to another championship). The fearlessness to try things is something I admire every single day.

As I see the changes a year has made it puts a little lump in my throat. She has a plan for her future. She has started looking at schools and has a top three list, which pretty much does not change. I know that my brave, smart and beautiful girl will do the thing that I have been preparing her for, leave. 

But for now, I am enjoying 14.

No driving, no leaving.

*We scooped her on her Craigslist find and surprised her with her most wanted request.

Whatever: Happy Birthday to my special girl

It's finally here...

my baby girl turns 12 tonight at 11:20.

Eating: A quickie

The menu this week is short.

The week will be full of work and play.

AND...

my birthday.

National Celebration. Big stuff. Coincidence? I think not.

Casa Swann "It's my Birthday Week" Menu

Three years ago...! Time flies when you are fabulous.

• Steak salad/ oven baked okra
• Pork tacos/veggie tacos
• Crock pot lasagna with ground beef/ kitchen sink salad
•  MY BIRTHDAY!

• Nightfall Food Trucks*

*Tomorrow's Gratituesday blog will be all about Nightfall and the food trucks.

 

Whatever: my first teenager

 It's here...
13.
Finally or already, depending on whom you ask about it.

Yet, I look at my daughter and she still looks like the baby I brought home.
The little girl I took to kindergarten.
But, she is not. She is independent and smart as a whip.
She is loyal and dedicated to not only her friends, but the world around her.
She is going to be a lovely adult, one that I will want to be friends with.
But for now, she is my girl.
My 13 year old girl.

In photos...here is how I would describe her...

Friend

Gardener

Model

Ice cream lover

School girl

Dancer

Adventurer

Goofball

Little Monster

Athlete

Gum chewer

Mountain Climber

Party planner

Trail blazer

Happy birthday to my first baby girl.

I love  you.

-Mommy.

Dirt: Still 12

Today we celebrated my oldest's 13th birthday with a party.

She is 12 for 10 more days and I am going to get a lot of miles out of that.

My girls are 21 months apart and for 3 months, I get to say my kids are a year apart.

The double takes are not as great at 11 and 12 as they were at say, 1 and 2 or 3 and 4. 

But, I still get that look of shock that flutters across people's faces.

Now, it is me who is shocked.

Shocked that she is going to be 13.

Shocked that she does not like Thomas the Tank Engine or want me to look at a "patt-er-en" that she created. Shocked that she does not wear her blankie as a cape  Shocked that she is as tall as I am and wears the same size shoes as me.

What I am not shocked by is the fact that she organized her own party. Created and sent invitations, kept up with RSVPs, made her own cupcakes and coordinated the colors.

I made her a banner and bought the candy. 

She is an amazing and independent girl, and I can see in glimpses the woman she will be.

I love her so much sometimes it takes my breath away and today, as I watched her walk off with 12 of her friends (and her sister and her friend) on her birthday scavenger hunt, it hurt just a little. She came back, but she did not need me to hold her hand or tell her where to go, and that is a little hard to swallow. 

13.

Huge milestone.

Huge deal.

10 more days of 12.

Sigh.

Whatever: No more babies

Today is my baby's birthday.
I remember her being born so very clearly.
Born at home, with a four hour labor weighing in at 9lbs, I couldn't believe my luck to have another beautiful baby girl.
She has always been funny and willful, but sweet and sensitive as well.

I love you, Momma!

She is a very easy person, with a mad sense of style and razor sharp wit, even as a toddler.
She wore only pink shoes between the ages of 2 and 5 and carried around a bunny and scotch tape.
Now she works Converse and draws better than most adults.
She is the kindest person I know and is always looking out for her friends, especially the ones who are a little bit different.

I can imagine what she will be like as an adult. Fun, sensitive and truly an excellent friend, cracking jokes that are never mean, but always funny.

I dread her growing up and leaving, so for today...

Happy Birthday, Ellie Belle!

 

Happy 11th birthday, special girl!